Untitled. 18X24″. Color pencil on paper, 2018.
I’ve never been much for inspirational quotes, those cheerful, quasi philosophical quotes people like to throw out there to motivate themselves. Or others.
I was going through a really hard time once and I had a yoga teacher that kept saying I needed to smile at myself in the mirror. I refused for the longest time, then one day I tried and it made me really hate myself because I looked like a fucking idiot; a smiling, crying clown. I didn’t feel it, to say the least. It made me feel worse about everything, trying to cover it up instead of letting it out.
And why is it that we are always told to “cheer up” when we really need to let it out, to take out the trash, the weights inside ourselves, that dark matter, whatever it may be, that is holding us down?
I’ve been walking down some very dark roads in my time and I have a way of being that may seem strange to a lot of people.
I am not a “go getter” but I am driven in my own way.
I am not a person to give up, but I certainly procrastinate.
I don’t force my beliefs on others, but I feel strongly about a lot of things. I just don’t feel the need to project it onto others. I am true to myself, I believe, and I am very loyal to those close to me, although those close to me seem to be fewer and fewer as the years go by…
I often feel the urge to just pack some necessities, get in the car and drive off to somewhere, away from all the troubles, all the bills, the reality that is just pushing its ugly face up against mine, park somewhere with a magnificent view and just put everything on hold for a while. Breathe. Shut down. Zone out, or more like it; zone in.
I have a dream to one day buy a small school bus and renovate it and travel across the country. There’s so much to see here… I realize of course that it is just a dream and won’t become reality just yet.
For about three years I had a picture of a Stella scooter taped up by the side of my computer at work. I wanted one so badly and I tried to visualize it and make it real, but in the end I just took it down and tried to forget about it. Life as I have come to know it over the past decade or so, is a life of trials and tribulations. As long as my wife is sick and unable to work, we will struggle. Two people, one salary = struggle.
But then again – who knows, maybe some day something good and positive will happen that makes reality shift for the better?
Where the road leads me, I don’t know, all I can do is keep walking.
And I refuse to smile if I don’t feel like it.